August 22,2016.

TIME: 1336 HOURS

I have just come from lunch, where my stomach has involuntarily been subjected to burnt and undercooked ‘pilau’ and a labyrinthine mixture of french beans, carrots, peas and potatoes. It pains me to the core of my bone marrow, that I have had to pay the Mama from the land of chegets (jackets) and kuthogana, 200 shillings for that misdemeanor of a meal.

😒😒😒😒

While I would like very much to sulk over the fact that that money could have bought me about ten nice (much needed) tops at Gikomba, there is already a giant pile of things fueling my Monday mood swings, so I’d rather not. I simple decide that the sun will have to turn blue before I go back there to eat.

RAMSAY

On my way back to the office I have to cross some road, and as I do, some man that must have come straight from the devil’s ass, resolves that his life will crumble if he doesn’t exercise his asininity on me.

Man: Maringo ni ya nini? Sasa unatingishia nani matako? Hata zenyewe haziko!                  (Why so proud? Who are you shaking your buttocks for? They are even non-existent!)

Me: Looks around to see who he is talking to, only to find that there is just me and him there. 

Man: Si ukuwe tu mpole?!Utazeeka tu ukufe    ( Just be humble. You will also grow old and die)


Now, I need to clarify at this point, that I am being falsely accused, because in truth, I am too grumpy to think about impressing anyone with my derriere, let alone some nitwit on the road. And while I am not usually one to lush out or engage in battles of any sort, I am feeling a hell of a lot irritable today,  and my annoyance just escalated to 10 on the richter scale. Oh I am gonna give the ignoramus a verbal assault he has never seen before!

side-eye

I take a second look at him, a closer analytical look. Then, instead of launching my attack, I smile. Laura this is a combat you have already won hands down.

Why?

I, apparently, am at fault for having ass-ets that are shakable, which, from whatever angle you look at it, (oh, pun heaven), isn’t really a fault. Him? His Body Mass Index confirms that he would do a better job at being a drum road roller than at being a human. And that, beloved readers, is unchangeable. Irreversible. Terminal.

Men, before you give moronic remarks about a woman, please, make sure you are Brock O’hurn.

 

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