You are probably Kenyan, but then again you just might be French, Portuguese, Xhosa, Ugandan, American, Igbo…Who knows, you might even be Chinese! You might be somewhere in Antarctica, doing some geeky research on polar bears, you might be in a class wishing that the old boring man of a lecturer will finish up because you really need to find something to eat. Maybe you are as idle and as bored as I am with life right now, probably also wondering what I look like or what I am doing. God forbid you might be passed out drunk in a terrace or drainage in some God-forsaken alcohol den, talking in slurred Drunkenese and making the most obscene and ridiculous utterances any ear has ever heard. Wherever or whatever you are, here’s a few to-note things you have to keep in mind before you think of making me a special someone in your life. I have tried to hide as much of it as possible. You will have to find me personally if you would like the grossier explicit version.
Firstly, I have the weirdest of habits and sadly,I do not think I will be able to change most of them. Many have tried and terribly failed to so I am an unchangeable case. For instance, my favorite place to be in the house is…the toilet. It’s my most comfortable spot and I do all sorts of things there. I cannot get in there without my phone, reasoning being I need it to listen to music and keep up with social media happenings while I perform the natural normal activities that get me there in the first place. And when I am overdosed on crazy I take selfies while there, of my face of course, not of any other place.(Get behind me ye of twisted mind, Mama North West and I have nothing in common. I too would love to break the internet, but only when it is darn slow and I cant watch the next episode of The Blacklist because it is taking twenty years to download. Not with my ass all over the place). Sometimes I write in my article book or read my favorite pull-outs in there, and sometimes I even go in with a snack or cup of coffee or juice in case I get hungry. I know what you are thinking right now. That no one in their right mind would enjoy doing this, but that’s just it love. I lost my mind many seasons of The Vampire Diaries ago- I hold Damon Salvatore responsible. Those eyes…Jeez those EYES– and I am hoping you, your love to be precise, will help me get it back. Look on the bright side though. Our excretory room will always be spotlessly clean because I like it that way when I have to do my toilet rituals in there.
Also know that I am naturally nocturnal. I am most active in the evening going into the night, and during the day I am a lazy, slow, unproductive weird looking mess and I would rather just sit around doing nothing, a movie or sleep maybe. Don’t get me wrong. I am not saying that I will not do the house chores or cook, clean or anything like that. I will, just at rates that are below my optimum level. Therefore I really hope that morning glory does not mean the world to you because that is the time when the lazy bug comes stinging and I would rather just sleep after being awake for the better part of the night, than engage in prolonged conjugal activity that entails a lot of stretching and moving about. If however you prefer that to your cereal in the morning then we will have it your way, but be rest assured that you will have to do without breakfast because I will be passed out tired and dead-asleep, hence will be regrettably unable to get up and whip up something for you to eat before you go to work.
If a pig and I were put up in an eating competition, I would win hands down, dear future boyfriend/hubby. My personal opinion; food is the best gift God gave us as human kind and I don’t hold back when it comes to that. I put my Momma’s eating rules into practice when I have to, like when we have visitors, when out in public or when in the company of someone I like-but all the other times I go ham on food, as if a zombie apocalypse is coming and I have to eat up so as to have enough reserves to get me through when it happens. So on the basis of full disclosure, I will tell you here and now, that the reserved lady-like eating that I will do on our first days together, will be an act I will put up just to get you to like me more, possibly even love me. Otherwise the usual me that you will have married, goes full-blown Rambo on edibles and I eat everything (apart from eggs) all the time, every time. I am a binge eater and I am not afraid to tell you because that is who I am. There is gonna be a lot of food and grocery shopping to be done my man.
Also, I poke my nose when I have to(all ladies do, when no one is watching and they are just too ashamed to admit it)and I bite my nails and my lower lip when I am tensed or nervous. I also garnish most of my meals with raw onions so I hope you do not mind onion breathe, otherwise there won’t be much lip action going on. I enjoy peeling off dead skin on the palms and soles of feet and I cannot take cold tea. It irritates the hell out of my throat and it tastes like puke to me.
I most seriously, do not take being lied to very kindly my dear, unless it involves a very breath-taking surprise. I would totally understand if you told me you were going on a three-day business trip, only for me to come back from work and find you standing by the door wine and glasses in hand and Yirumi playing my favorite song on the piano. Now that kind of lying is VERY VERY acceptable. I have zero-tolerance for dishonesty and unfaithfulness. That kind of stimuli results into a very bad response from me, because I have a very cruel twisted side of me I make Klaus Mikaelson of The Originals look like a freaking angel. So think twice, before you ever decide to pull a Kanyari on me.
Please keenly note, that the only connection I have with Beyonce is our big egos, otherwise while she wakes up looking flawless, I wake up looking like I got run over by a military Bazooka and fell into an enormous hole of ugly and no amount of filter can make me look better. I am also terribly sincerely sorry if you will expect me to pull off her Partition and Drunk in Love moves for you in bed, or if you are the wild type, on a private strip pole, because the closest I can get to that can be equated to Larry Madowo trying to break a move, and we all know that even SpongeBob Squarepants can move his body better. No love, I do not, cannot, Drop-it-like-its-hot. So Honey, please Forget-it-coz-its-not happening.
While Mrs. Carter can dance away, shaking what her Mama gave her even in seven-inch heels, the highest I can go is two. I can go higher for you, if you insist, but you have to be ready to have one very sore arm because I will have to get a tight grope of it for stability as I walk. You will also have to bear with my divided attention between you and my legs because one second of switching off from being wary of how I walk will result into me toppling over, legs high and spread in the air, your ‘fundamentals’ out in the open for anyone in close range to see. We certainly do not want that now, do we? Therefore I hope we can make do with old skools and flats during our outings so that I can preserve my dignity, yours too.
If you are still reading it means you are curious. Interested maybe. And that’s a good thing. Most people probably stopped and left the blog at the toilet part. So I am glad you are still here. Enough of weird habits now. Let’s talk positivity now, shall we? You do not have to worry about me being uptight about video games and football because I am the number one fan of these two. Please do not cry when I beat you and stay unbeaten at the video games. I am known to crash egos and silence self-proclaimed champions in those. I also hope that my favourite local or European football team beating yours will not result into an action less night(s) of dry spell for me because then we will have a problem and I will not let you be.
It is my prayer that you will understand my melophilic nature, and I hope you have it in you too. See, I eat, breathe, drink, sleep and dream MUSIC. It is my life and it will always be a part of me. I like it loud so that I can drown myself in it most of the time, but it’s okay if you prefer it a little less louder. If I find a song i like, I play it on repeat mode ten thousand times till it becomes part of me and I can sing along perfectly from start to finish.Plus, it has always been a dream of mine to buy one giant piano and have it in my house, our house, and get the kids to be pro at it. Won’t it be fun to have a musical child prodigy in the family?
Above all I hope against hope that you are a good God-fearing man, both present and future. That you are and will be a responsible man, a loving and caring husband and father when we get there and a man who will make me a better person and help me grow in all aspects of life. That we will be able to junk ourselves out when we want to, or cuddle on the couch being judgy about movie characters or reality show stars and that you will hold me when a movie scene scares the life out of me. That we will hold conversations late into the night and you will hold me as I fall asleep with my head on your chest. That you will stand up for me, and protect me both physically and emotionally against any negative things. That we will go out on long walks together, visit places and make lasting memories together. That when you say you will love me forever you will mean just that, and not hit the road when problems come knocking.
Lastly I hope that I haven’t already scared you away by my flaws; I just need you to understand that I am a simple down-to-earth lady who also farts like everybody else and is not ashamed to say it. I am not an easy person to live with, but I will be ready to compromise on certain things so that you can smile. I also need you to know that everything else aside, I will love the life out of you, I will ensure that you are in top shape and health and looking sharp always. Torn and mismatched socks for instance, will be a thing of the past. I will make you the best of meals; Chef Ramsay has got nothing on me! Also, I will totally respect your bromance(s) if you have any, but I will be clingy and naggy when necessary. Know that I will support every move and step you make that will guarantee our betterment, I will stand by you whether it rains blood or milk, I will help you grow as an individual, I will respect you as head of the house, submit to you fully as my husband and be the best mother to our kids. What I am saying in simple terms is that I will do my best to make you happy always.
Imma be your ride-or-die chic, mister, and on that day that I say “till death do us part”, I will mean every word of it so let it stick in your head that divorce will be out of the question and not even up for discussion. Therefore do me a favour boo and be good, because you will be stuck with me forever. Not to worry though. I will most definitely make it worth your while!
See You Someday